Their are times I totally submerge my self in to fantasy worlds and lose sight of the world around me. This may be with a fantasy / SciFi book or a computer game such as Jedi Academy, Fable, Neverwinter Nights, Geneforge etc (attached screen shoots are from these games)

I see it as a childish reaction to what is happening around me, the desire to just have fun and ignore al the responsibilities that come with being an “adult”. But their is never a simple answer it is always multi layered. Other reasons might be the experience of taking a character from nobody to concur of evil/good and wining the riches that come with such glory. The delight in seeing a world that is not limited by science and logic, but ruled by mysticism and legends. Or maybe it is just a way for escaping from one self and living someone else’s life?

What then am I escaping from? Fear of living? Fear of being who I am? Fear of people? Fear of failure?

Fear of living, why would one fear to be alive and to live out the life one wants? I think we often live towards expectations and other people desires for who we should be. Hence one might fear braking peoples perceptions.

Fear of being who I am, I for one have a desire of not denying any part of who I am, but with that comes consequences and it might be those retributions that I fear?

Fear of people, I think I do care what people think of me, even though I deny it. The bottom of it is that I want them to except who I am. I also have deletions of grandeur, I think highly of my self and I fear people who would contradict that. This is why I think I have a fear of women especially those I perceive as elegant and stunning. Often when I have tried to say hello I have received a response imagined or genuine that they perceive me as a worm, dust, pervert etc.

A tiny digression, I find it very amusing with those women I have perceived like this and gotten to know them and then to discover that they have complexes around their body. Which from my perspective they do not need to have.

Fear of failure, unlike in a game where choices ultimately have no consequences because one can always go back to the cross road, living on the other hand is final. I know I will win because I never give up, I’m like a turtle, slow but with the eye on the goal. However their is always that nagging fear in the back of the mind and the fact that I’m slow is very frustrating. I like to see my self as a bombastic Bear but that is just my alter ego the truth is that I’m a turtle who hides in his shell when things get hard.

and now I think it is time for a little children story:

The Rabbit and the Turtle

(image: Google image search “turtle“)

One day a rabbit was boasting about how fast he could run. He was laughing at the turtle for being so slow. Much to the rabbit’s surprise, the turtle challenged him to a race. The rabbit thought this was a good joke and accepted the challenge. The fox was to be the umpire of the race. As the race began, the rabbit raced way ahead of the turtle, just like everyone thought. The rabbit got to the halfway point and could not see the turtle anywhere. He was hot and tired and decided to stop and take a short nap. Even if the turtle passed him, he would be able to race to the finish line ahead of him. All this time the turtle kept walking step by step by step. He never quit no matter how hot or tired he got. He just kept going. However, the rabbit slept longer than he had thought and woke up. He could not see the turtle anywhere! He went at full-speed to the finish line but found the turtle there waiting for him.

(Story from http://www.johnmh.com/advreadings/rabbitturtle.htm)